A sketch by Chas Chappell
Open on man walking through the rain. We’ll call him “Bill.” Bill is having an awful day.
A ringtone plays and Bill answers, still walking through said rain.
BILL
Hey babe…. Yeah, I’m on my way back now. What? No… no… no please!
BILL pauses to hear more bad news.
BILL
I’ve— I’ve just been so busy! Please, I– Corporate laid off my entire branch, I’ve been in interviews all day, it’s just so brutal out here. I just need a little more time to get back — to get us back — on our–
Sound of hanging up. Bill sighs, puts his phone back in his pocket, and keeps walking. Along the way, massive, unrealistic amounts of water get dumped onto him.
BILL
… feet.
Bill turns a corner, where he then sees a sign still standing that says “ free therapy! come right in :)”
Bill walks into an office and sits down on the couch. The office is adorned with posters advertising various companies and products. He takes out his phone and starts to text “I am so sorry” to his wife before being interrupted by the THERAPIST.
THERAPIST
Hi, do you have an appointment?
BILL
Uh, no, no. I’m sorry, this was a mistake, I’ll just —
THERAPIST
Compassionately touching BILL’s arm
Hey, it’s okay. I’m free the next hour. Would you like to come in?
BILL nods, holding back tears, and gets up to walk into the office. The door to the THERAPIST’s office, open, is closed behind them to reveal several more ads.
Cut to THERAPIST and BILL mid-session. The therapy room itself has even more ads in the background. BILL is sitting on a couch pouring his heart out to the THERAPIST, who is intently listening and holding a notepad.
BILL
…and she just hasn’t been that accommodating, you know? I feel like I’m giving her everything I have, but sometimes I don’t think even that’s enough. I enter each of our conversations ready to stand my ground, but I just… I just crumble when I hear that stern tone in her voice.
THERAPIST
Sounds to me like you’ve gotten into what we’d call a sticky situation. The way I see it, you could try sitting her down and just being direct, and if that doesn’t work you could —
A loud “ding” is heard. The THERAPIST stops himself, takes his glasses off and pulls out a script.
BILL
(Confused)
What are you —
THERAPIST
(In an announcer voice)
Life is tough, and bad things can happen. Which is why YOU need insurance from the top-notch agents at Bingy and Son’s.
BILL
I’m sorry, what–
THERAPIST
From now until December, get 25% off on annual coverage on our home, auto, health and life policies. This offer applies exclusively to patients, so make sure to use code “SICKINDAHEAD” at checkout.
BILL
I don’t understand, why are you —
THERAPIST
That’s code “SICKINDAHEAD,” S-I-C-K-I-N-D-A-H-E-A-D. Bingy and Son’s: here for when life happens.
THERAPIST puts his clipboard down and puts his glasses back on.
THERAPIST
So really, I just think you need to be honest with her, ya know?
BILL
Dude, what was that?
THERAPIST
What, do you think this is free, man? This is how it WORKS. They put ads on CPR videos on Youtube.
BILL
I… guess that makes sense.
THERAPIST
Look at these posters, dude! Putting each of these up slides 50 smackers an hour into my pocket.
BILL
Really, 50 bucks for each of these?
THERAPIST
Smackers are cents.
BILL
What?
THERAPIST
Smackers are FUCKING CENTS!
BILL
Alright!
THERAPY
So how long have you and your wife been together?
BILL
With conversational whiplash.
Uh… five years. Five years we’ve been together.
THERAPIST
And how long have you all been on the rocks?
BILL
Well, I got laid off in November, so like… two, two and a half months.
THERAPIST
Mmm hmm…
THERAPIST takes a sip of a coffee mug that has “Teddy’s Brake Pads & Authentic Italian Cuisine” written on it.
This the first time you’ve been through a rough patch?
BILL
Well… no. It’s actually been worse before.
BILL starts to choke up, sighing to keep his composure.
There was a period a couple years back when Jill had me look for an apartment. I told her I’d found a studio in Bristol, but really I’d just shacked up at the motel down the block.
THERAPIST
Oh… wow. Only five years and it’s come to this… wow. That could be fatal for you guys.
BILL
(spiraling)
You mean… what? No… I can’t just–
THERAPIST
Well hold on, this doesn’t have to be a death sentence for you guys. Maybe you can —
Ding! The sound of a bell is heard. The THERAPIST grabs his clipboard script and removes his glasses. He (potentially cranks up a portable radio) presses play on a tablet.
The sound of a toilet flushing is heard over the tablet/radio.
THERAPIST
Hear that? It’s the sound of YOUR hard-earned dollars going to waste on a sub-par plumber. But don’t panic! Doug Jonah and Son’s annual “cut the crap” sale is here.
THERAPIST presses play again to play cheesy podcast ad music.
From now till October 4th, save up to 30 percent on leaky fau–
BILL
You play music? What does that ADD?
THERAPIST gives BILL an angry look and presses pause on the music. It’s clear that the THERAPIST is attempting to rewind the audio on his phone. There’s a shot of the phone where the THERAPIST struggles to get the tape to rewind.
Okay, now can we just—
The music starts again.
THERAPIST
From now till October 4th, save up to 30 percent on leaky faucets and broken dishwashers.
BILL gives a frustrated expression and gestures to the THERAPIST to just finish.
And, for the first time, the Doug Jonah & Son’s “cut the crap” sale includes pool maintenance, so you can keep the summer fun going well into december. Right now, patients enjoy an additional 5 percent off with code “SICKINDAHEAD.” That’s code SICKINDAHEAD. S-I-C-K-I-N-D-A-H-E-A-D. Doug Jonah & Sons. Crap’s for the toilet, not your checkbook.
There is a moment of silence.
THERAPIST
Was that so hard?
BILL
God, why am I listening to you? You’re ridiculous.
THERAPIST
How so?
THERAPIST reaches up to a shelf to grab an IPad. His sweater/shirt pulls up to reveal a tramp-stamped “ALL IN BUNGEE JUMPING” ad. He performs this action as he’s speaking the lines below.
Listen, it’s tough to find someone that’ll listen to your problems. Even tougher when you can’t afford to pay someone for it. That’s why I founded this little operation. And in the in-betweens, like right now — that’s when we’re gonna solve your problem.
BILL
I want to call her.
THERAPIST
Uhhh, why?
BILL
She needs to know I’m trying everything I can to get us back on track.
THERAPIST
I think a text might be better. That way we can figure out exactly what you want to say.
BILL
Uh…sure. I’ve actually had something typed up for days if you want to see it.
BILL hands the THERAPIST his phone.
THERAPIST
Perfect! Let me read it over and I can make some tweaks.
The THERAPIST is clearly adding a decent amount of text. BILL is visually confused and is signaling for his phone back. Seconds later, a “swoosh” sending sound is heard.
THERAPIST
It’s out of your hands now.
BILL
What? No, I definitely came off too strong, and — let me read it.
THERAPIST
There’s no use in that — you said what needed to be said. And ultimately, she’ll respect you for it–
The phone makes a text receiving sound. The THERAPIST looks down and his expression drops.
Yuh-oh.
BILL
What did she say?
THERAPIST
Apparently she’s packing her stuff and moving back with her parents, and she has ZERO interest in having her lawn re-sodded.
BILL
How would that have—
BILL snatches his phone back from the THERAPIST.
Seriously??
THERAPIST
Don’t you feel like a weight has been lifted?
BILL
“Don’t let the grass of our marriage grow coarse and underwatered. Let the experts at Hancock and Sons handle your yearly lawn re-sod.”
THERAPIST
You’re butchering it, but okay. Come on, we talked about this! It’s part of the deal! And besides, who is she to walk out on you for something that small? I think you’re better off.
BILL
That’s — that’s kind of true I guess.
THERAPIST
You know, you should be thanking me. I’m damn good at what I —
DING! This time, the therapist doesn’t pick up his clipboard. Instead, he’s frustrated to bring up the ad, which is on an IPAD
THERAPIST
Let’s get THIS one overwith.
BILL
Another one??
THERAPIST
Holding up an ipad to BILL
Sorry, these guys don’t trust me to read the ad, they just want me to play the video.
BILL
What?
THERAPIST
These guys don’t wanna hear a word outta my yapper, they just hire Mindy from Kansas City to do their voiceover. And I’m so much better than Mindy.
Video ad ends.
BILL
Sure, man. But can we go back to my–
THERAPIST
And I went to school for this stuff. I studied communications at the University of T — I didn’t want to do this shit, man, I don’t even know what I’m doing.
BILL
You’re not a trained therapist? You made me lose my FUCKING wife!
THERAPIST
God, do I even want to be doing this? I mean, I’m good at it, sure, but like, is it my passion, Bill?
BILL
Dude, I don’t– wait, when did I tell you my name?
THERAPIST
Oh, I do a shitload of data mining, man. You really shouldn’t give your info out like that. Man, I gotta figure out my passion.
BILL
WHAT? Asshole! I put my whole life in your hands and I — screw this, I’m leaving.
THERAPIST
Come on, just because I’m the GOAT of ad integration doesn’t mean I didn’t give you good advice.
BILL
SHUT. UP.
THERAPIST
(Genuine)
Oh, and one more thing, Bill… seriously.
BILL
(Frustrated)
What?
THERAPIST
Just– just use code “SICKINDAHEAD” at checkout.
BILL
FUCK!
BILL leaves.